Friday, June 15, 2007

The Incredible Shrinking (and Expanding) Woman

Everywhere I look, it seems the ideals have shifted. What was once acceptable, somehow seems a meager representation of what NOW exists.

For the last month, I have delved myself fully back into my weight loss journey. Baring it all and coming to terms with the fact that there is an innate sense of animosity about looking the way I do. I can't stop thinking about it, or talking about it. It has consumed me. But in a weird way, I like it. It reminds me I am back on the journey that I took 3 years ago. The journey to feel good about myself on my wedding day. It brings me back to that summer where we worked so hard to shed our pounds. Everyday, walking. Making lunches in the evening. Planning out meals. There is organization, a sense of accomplishment that comes with the territory. Getting on the scale every week to see a loss, or not. It doesn't always go as planned. We keep going and before we know it we are back to feeling good about ourselves again.

Then we let it go, again. Why did I do this to myself?? I had three years to sustain that goal and I ruined that. I never wanted to be here again and I am. The frustration of watching that accomplishment dancing around in the past. I just want to be that way again. Now.

The reality is that weight loss brings along with it a true sense of patience. The understanding of what it really means to be patient. I want to be thin again, right now. It doesn't work that way. I have to make an effort; make it mine again and I will reap those benefits again. It also brings with it a chance to fall back in love, with myself. To see that it isn't all about how thin you are, how well you dress. That it doesn't matter that you let yourself go (hey, at least we had fun doing it!). What matters is that you are back on track. Heading in the right direction again. People still see you for what you are, not what you look like. It brings reminders that what might hold as idealistic in our society doesn't always mean everything. That realization alone makes me glad I let myself go again. Perhaps I needed to be brought back around. To see that it's about feeling good about yourself, not worrying about what others think. More is learned with each passing day on a weight loss journey. It will likely remain a journey for my entire life. And for that, I am thankful.


Bill & Jen O said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Looking forward to reading more. Have a great weekend and enjoy the game. Jen

Amanda said...

I think you look great Emily! Good luck on your weight loss!