Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sisters

When I first started this blog, I mulled over whether or not I was going to share it with my family and friends. I tend to think some might find themselves censoring a bit of what they say as not to stir the pot. When I did tell everyone about this place, I also told myself that I would not limit what I said here. This is my online journal. These are my private thoughts. Take it or leave it.

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Both of my sisters have shown me in the past couple of weeks that I must not be the sister that I should be. I try so bloody hard to always make sure that I am there for them, that I listen to them. I also want some respect in return. I am an opinionated person. They do not always like what I have to say, but it is what I have to say. I want respect when it comes to my words.

Recently, events in their lives have indicated to me that I am a shitty sister. I have lost all my confidence in our relationships with each other. It feels as though whatever I do, nothing will ever be enough. Whether it be that my opinion is not the one they want to hear, or that I don't agree with their actions, or whatever the blue sky brings. I don't ever feel like I have enough compassion, enough of the right words to say, enough of a listening ear, enough anything.

I cannot win this everlasting battle. I either leave the conversation stressed out, or totally wondering what in the world just happened. I try so hard. I don't think they realize how hard I really try. My husband told me last night, after a big argument with one of my sisters, that maybe this is the way it will always be. Maybe I am not meant to have these relationships with them that I so desperately want. Maybe it is not me. Maybe it is me. Who knows. What I do know, is that this is not the way it should be. Given our past, the loss of our mother at a very young age, we should be as close-knit as a winter hat. But, we aren't. It is our past that they seem to not be able to let go of. I am trying hard to do just that. To put all the ugly stuff behind us and move on with our lives. I am different than them and I need to remember that. Sometimes I wish they would realize the same thing about me.

I am worn...totally, 100% worn out. I am so tired of never being enough of what they need from me. I am most sorry for exactly that.

3 comments:

apt said...

My sister and I learned, sadly only after becoming adults, that once we mutually understood that the other was just "that" way, we got along much easier and a solid relationship has begun.

I hope that you all experience healing and closeness. Soon. And if that doesn't happen, I hope acceptance of that is peaceful.

ElleTeeJay said...

My lovely husband made mention of your post at home last night. He kind of chuckled as he said that it sounded like something that would have come directly out of my mouth. I had to chuckle to myself while reading it, because he was right...especially the "I am an opinionated person" part...and his inability to let go of the past.

I have a relationship with my brother much like the one you describe with your sisters. I've come to the conclusion that I may never win and, for now, it is what it is (that phrase seems like my mantra lately).

In the interest of keeping myself sane, I refuse to beat myself up about it. For this relationship to work, he needs to come halfway, too.

I have to believe that I am doing the best that I can (God and I both know I'm not perfect).

Keeping that in mind, I just keep trying beacuse my relationship with him is so important to me. I will keep striving in hope that someday he will see beyond all the crap, figure out that I am not the same person I was when I was 10, or 12, or even 25, and realize that I love him unconditionally, forever and always, because he's my baby brother.

And, if that doesn't work, I'll just wet willy him into submission someday.

Keep trying, Em, but remember that you can't do it all on your own.

(Do I win a prize for gushiest post?)

Mia a.k.a frckasta said...

I am the oldest of 3 sisters and as you can imagine we are as different from each other as can be. Our relatinship is not perfect by any means but I have learned that they are who they are and I can't change that, as much as I want to. I just hope that as we get older it will get eadier. So I don't have advice for you, unfortunately, just sympathy.