Monday, April 28, 2008

I can feel YOU!

On Thursday, I was sitting at work, doing my usual thing on the computer, and I felt a weird sensation in my lower belly. I passed it off as gas at first, thinking that was what it was. And then, a few hours later, it happened again. On Friday, I had the same feeling. And on Saturday and Sunday I felt it too.

What I thought was gas, is most certainly you moving around in there, Peanut. I know this now. And orange juice gets you moving, because I had some this morning and on the way to work, you made your presence known once again.

Feeling you move, makes this pregnancy, and your existence far more real to me. You really are in there. Moving around, grimacing at bright lights, and pumping your fists into my abdomen. I would describe it like everyone else does. Just like flutters or small taps from the inside. But, it's far cooler than how it is described. I wish your Daddy could feel you now, but that will come in time. For now, it's just you and me, and boy do I feel lucky. Like the luckiest momma on the planet.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

15 Weeks

Today, baby is the size of an orange. His legs out measure his arms, and he is moving around freely. I still can't feel any of these movements, but I know that he is moving a lot. When I used the home doppler this week, I would get the heartbeat for a moment, and then it was gone, and then I had it and then it was gone. This little one is causing trouble for Mom already :o)

I am feeling really good. My energy has almost completely returned, and my food aversions are all but gone. This morning while looking in the mirror, I could definitely tell I was pregnant. I don't think anyone else would know, though. They might just think I have had a few too many beers! I can feel my insides creeping up towards my ribs, and the small inconveniences of pregnancy are definitely rearing their head. Mostly, I am so excited to be moving deep into the 2nd trimester. Pretty soon I will feel this baby move, and in a few more weeks I will be undeniably pregnant to anyone who sees me. These are all things I look forward to!!

In other news, you all know how much of an OCD/planner that I am. Well, I have to admit something. We have the travel system, the furniture, the crib, the cloth diaper stash (yes, we are cloth diapering), and the nursery is almost cleared out. Elizabeth and I are going to work on sprucing up the antique furniture I found on Craigslist, and then we will paint the room. This pregnancy is really flying by, and I am excited to relax in my 3rd trimester. Or at least that is my reasoning for having all of this done so soon!! I think the excitement has really set in, and the notion that this pregnancy is real is slowly taking a hold of me. I can't wait to meet this little one! 25 more weeks to go!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Joy and Pain---Revised

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:2-8


It turns out, that Pastor Jeff preached the exact sermon that I needed to hear. He started a series on James this past Sunday morning. All about Joy and Pain. The verse above is what we studied. I read it over and over again and it makes more sense to me each time. One thing the death of my mother has taught me, is that even in the midst of great pain, God is working in and through me. He wants the crud to go away, and passing through life difficulties is how that happens. He wants to do something in YOU, while you are in THIS.

I wept after church on Sunday. I walked outside after hearing this fantastic sermon, and I cried through my sunglasses. The sun was shining brightly, the daffodils greeted us as we walked out of church. It was a beautiful day, and the Lord had just spoken to me in a way that I had never felt before. It was powerful. I realized finally, that the greatest mess in my life, is also the greatest gift in my life. For through this pain, I have seen Him work great things in me. It makes me want to be at my best when things are at their very worst. It makes me see that this pain is not willed on me by God, but rather it is there to fix me, and heal me, and strengthen me. To make me a better person. To make me who I am today.

So, today, I have chosen to not let my pain go wasted. Because, instead I choose joy.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Joy and Pain

"Whether or not a child had gone through a grief phase immediately after the loss-and most had not- there were predictable trigger points in a woman's life where the grief would be reactivated and the loss would feel fresh and new. The birth of a first child ranked highest on the list." Hope Edelman, Author of Motherless Daughters

The day we found out we were going to be parents was the best day of my life. But, it was also a terrifying day. On that day, I realized how hard this was really going to be. Mostly, without my mother here to go through it with me.

I feel terribly guilty for wanting her here. I have a fantastic step-mother, who really is like my mom. I love her just the same. But, I still miss my mama. Being pregnant only unleashes those thoughts and feelings. I am learning this now.

My wounds are still bleeding. My heart still aches. And more than ever, I want her here. To reassure me that I will be a great mom, just like she was. To hold me during labor, and to tell me it will be alright. I wish she were here so I could ask questions. What was it like being pregnant with me?? How much weight did you gain?? When did you go into labor?? Were you overdue, was labor tough, what was it like when you first saw me?? My questions for her are endless.

The grief is almost unbearable for the first time in a long time. I suppressed a lot of my feelings about her death a long time ago, and now they are fresh and new again. These are wounds that will never heal. My heart will never be the same again. But, I know that she would not want me to worry or fret. And so I am trying not to.

This baby will know all about his or her grandmother. About how wonderful she truly was. About all the lives she blessed in her 40 years on earth. This grandchild will know all about her radiant smile, and her infectious laugh. About how statuesque and sophisticated she was. How when she walked into a room, everyone stopped to stare. And how her style and taste still seems like it lives on in me and my sisters. This child will know the "Dear Little Dolly" song by heart, just like I do. And they will know what it was like to be in her presence. She was a kind, beautiful soul, and I miss her more than ever. 20 years after her death, my life still seems impossible without her. And more than ever, I feel like I am losing her all over again. Grief is a crazy thing. It really is that pit in your soul that aches and aches. It never goes away. That is what grief and pain are to me. That hole that remains. My hope is that this child will be a reminder to me. A reminder of what I have lost, but also a reminder of what I have gained. And in a way, a small patch for that piece of my soul that aches.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

14 Weeks and MissDig

I am 14 weeks today. My baby is the size of a lemon this week. For those of you that are visual learners like me, this is what I am talking about:

I am not really sure why these websites like to compare the fetus' growth to fruit, but they do. This is actually what the baby looks like in-utero this week. Now, this is amazing. GOD IS AWESOME.

I am feeling pretty good, and my nausea is mostly gone. It's so nice to be in the 2nd trimester. My worrying has diminished a lot, and I feel like I can breathe again. Now, I am just trying to relax and enjoy this time as much as possible.


And now about MissDig. I have a hate relationship with the people that come to mark your lawn. Since we have moved into our house, we have seen this guy way too often. I don't know if it's bad planning on the part of our builder, or what, but 2 years later, we are still dealing with visits from the MissDig man. This morning, he came and marked up our entire yard. Almost into my garden. A few months ago, during the cold winter months, we had some new next door neighbors move in. They took the SBC line and ran it behind our house in order to hook the neighbors up with high-speed internet. We knew they would be coming to bury the line once the ground had loosened up. What I wasn't expecting was them to dig in the FRONT YARD. I mean, they ran the line behind our house. It only made sense they would dig through the back yard, not the driveways, right?? Well, I guess we will see. Every day I come home I am expecting my gorgeous lawn to be torn up. I am really hoping that he was marking our yard out of caution, and not because they are actually going to dig. I guess we will see!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

6 More Months....

....Until my due date. Wha??? Are you kidding??

This morning, I thought, "Cool, it's the 15th." And then I started counting until I got to October. Only 6 fingers. I am in a state of shock.

When we talk about pregnancy we talk in weeks. It's something that sort of bugs me, but I roll with it. It's the only way I can communicate with my doctor. But, to think of it in months, has me in total shock. In 6 more months, it will be my due date. In 6 more months, I may be holding my baby. In 6 more months my entire life will change.

Wow. Only 6 more months.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

For Your Listening Pleasure

I decided to buy a home doppler, to listen to baby's heartbeat. Just for fun. I bought it when I was about 9 weeks, and knew I wouldn't be able to hear our baby's heartbeat for a little bit longer. After our appointment on Monday, I decided to try it out. I was able to find the heartbeat almost immediately.

And tonight, I was able to record it.

Listen here:

Peanut K 13 Weeks

You can hear it very clearly at the beginning, and towards the middle you will hear a combination of "maternal blood flow" (that's me!) and the baby's heartbeat. Then towards the end, you hear it really well again. Neat, huh? (sorry for the static)


I came home two nights ago, and I was angry. Very angry. The Tigers had just lost their 7th game in a row, and they were officially, the only team without a win all season. I wanted to cry. I am not joking.

Last night, I buckled myself in for another ride with the Tigers. Game 2 in Boston. Great. Boston. Fenway Park. The Green Monster. Just what we need right now. Trying not to be a pessimist, I sit down and think "we are going to win this game, I just know it."

At 10pm, as I was dozing off, it was the bottom of the 8th and we were up 6-2. I was still nervous that this roller coaster could take me down another dip, because this game was not over. And then it was the top of the 9th, and Carlos Guillen hit one out of the park. He sealed the deal. The Tigers finally had their first win of the season.

The team that we saw last night, was definitely the team we have been expecting. Where have they been for the last week??? Asleep in their winter slumber? I am not sure. I do know that it was relieving as ever, to see this team pick themselves up off the floor and come out with it last night. Now, let's hope it continues.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Things You Never Knew About Me

Installment #2:

I don't eat tomatoes, onions or peppers. I have tried. I have really, really tried, but I cannot do it. Peppers might be the only thing that I have sort of taken a liking to, but I have to be in the right mood.

I also don't eat mayonnaise. I had my 1st bite of chicken salad when I was 26 years old. And I will only eat the mayo if it's in chicken salad.

Some may remember me as being a picky eater as a kid. I guess that's true. And it has transpired into my adult life too.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Heartbeats 101

Yesterday, we had our 2nd OB appointment. Curtis came along with me for the ride, because I knew we would get a chance to hear our baby's heartbeat. It was a great appointment. Firstly, I only gained 2 lbs, which is a miracle, considering my eating habits of late. She was very happy with that number, and told me to keep it up. My blood pressure was also normal, which was good, because the last couple of times I have had it taken, it's been a little high. My blood pressure is something I am always nervous of, because we all know there is a reason why they call it the "silent killer". I was very glad to see things were progressing along normally.

And then we got down to business. The doctor put the doppler on my tummy, and said, "now, you are still a bit early. We may not hear it, so don't be concerned." Then she said, "Oh, that is your heartbeat....and wait, do you hear that??" In the background you can hear this "thump, thump, thump, thump"....really fast. Like a horse galloping in my stomach. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was very faint, and there for only a little bit, but we definitely heard it. It was measuring as it has been all along at 165 bpm. It is a day I will never forget. And the high that ensues after it is insane. I literally started acting like a 12 year old. I was just so excited....dancing around the house, full of energy. Those of you that have experienced "me" as of late, know that energy is not what has been flowing out of me. But last night, I was on cloud 9.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

12 Weeks

Today marks the beginning of week 12 of this pregnancy. I can hardly believe it. It feels like just yesterday that I was peeing on a stick and anxiously awaiting the results. Some would say this is the end of the 1st trimester, but proper math tells me I have about a week more. So, there will be no celebrations until next week. I also have my next OB appointment on Monday, where we hope to finally hear this little ones heartbeat.

I am starting to feel a lot better. I still have waves of nausea, but I can feel my energy returning. It's a nice feeling to have your energy back. I am hoping to finally return to the gym this week as well. I just haven't had the energy to get up and go. But, now I am yearning for it. I want to get off my butt and do something!

Our baby has all of it's organs and structures now. They have all been formed and are just starting to really develop. Sex organs are also there. And if it's a boy, which I think it is, then testosterone is being pumped through his little veins. He/She is about 2.5 inches long and weighs between 8 and 14 grams. Pretty neat, huh?? Even though I can't feel him (let's just call "it" a him, okay?) if I poke down there, he is likely squinting his eyes, and punching me right back. That is a wild thought. He might even be sucking his very tiny thumb.

The miracle of life is truly amazing. And I feel so very blessed to be a vessel for our growing child. It really is a privilege and an honor.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Things You Never Knew About Me

In an effort to try and be consistent with my writing here, I have decided to start this "Things You Never Knew About Me" segment. I am going to try and post a new one every week.

So, for installment 1. I bet you never knew that I have never eaten a Big Mac or a Whopper. Never. I didn't even know that a Big Mac had 3 buns until last night.

Weird, huh?