Friday, August 8, 2008

Natural Born Worrywart

I have anxiety. On a normal day, I am like an anxious freak, constantly knawing my nails, not allowing my brain to rest for even a second. During this pregnancy, I have done pretty well at controlling my anxiety, but lately, I feel a little out of control again.

They say it's normal to experience this anxiety, especially at this point in my pregnancy. I hate self-doubt, though. It's a horrible, horrible thing and I hate it. This should actually be a part of my 10 Things I Hate list, but I thought it needed it's own separate post.

Transforming from independent, selfish old me to a mother is hard work. And the worry is there constantly. Will I be good at this? Will this child love me?? Will I be able to hack it?? Do I have the patience for this?? Does my marriage have the patience for this?? All of these questions keep streaming through my head. Everyday that I get closer to my due date is one more day that I worry. I am not even remotely worried about the actual delivery, I am more worried about what is to come. And what happens if I suck at this? What then??

The compounding stress at work also doesn't help. Trying to line things up for maternity leave; not feeling 100% confident in the person that is taking over my duties, not feeling like I have half a brain to do anything right anymore...it's all been weighing heavy on my heart. And then I remember it's August. And 20 years ago this month is when I lost my own mother. It hurts to not have her here to help me get through this. Maybe she would have those wise words that I so desperately need to here to right now. YOU CAN DO THIS.

Everyone says that once that baby is here, that all of this worry will go out the window, presumably for a whole different set of worries. Life is constantly full of worry. I know I can never escape it, but I think what is more daunting is the waiting for it all to happen. I want to know I can do this, I want to know I can handle being a good mother, I want to know NOW! I would be lying if I told you that I was feeling confident in myself at this point. Because, I have no idea what to expect except for that this is going to be hard work. Rewarding work, yes. But, hard work indeed. And for now, I am not allowing this anxious feeling to consume me, but that is tough work too. Maybe my motherly instincts will snap into place. Maybe they won't. I guess only time will tell.

And please, tell me I am not alone here.

16 comments:

Amanda said...

Time will tell, enjoy this time and relax as much as you can :)

Amanda B said...

It will all work out Emily. Enjoy the rest of this time just you and the husband.

Tim & Kate said...

I could've written your post. Hang in there Em! Try to enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy. Things will fall into place and I know you'll be a great mom!

scott and rach said...

You are not alone! Remember...
Matthew 6:34

Bob L said...

You Can do it and you'll be a great mom.
Love
Dad

Christina said...

Yep, your motherly instincts will just kick in. Have faith in that. You'll do it right but remember to trust in yourself and not worry about what OTHERS are doing. I can totally relate to your anxiety. And like you said, as soon as he is born, a whole new set of worries will replace your current ones! But, I definitely think you'll be a good mom. If any downfall you have, you will worry too much just like me and wear yourself out.

Liz said...

You are going to be an amazing mother! Worry is totally normal coming from one anxious girl to another! Just take one day at a time. XOXOX Liz

heather moore said...

You can do it Em! It will all fall into place. All three of you will be learning and it takes time...but that's okay! Follow your heart and your instincts and you'll be set!

trinity said...

::hugs:: unfortunately, i've got nothing else. i just wanted to offer that.

trinity said...

but duh, you are going to be a great mom.

annenahm said...

*hugs* I guess we are not alone together, huh? Great post.

Erin said...

o em you will do amazing!!! you can do this!!! i thought the same things! brodyt is still alove and well! lol

Jill said...

You're not alone. You need to try my visualization technique. Will email it tomorrow. Hugs from the reigning queen of anxiety to the princess. ;)
Love,
Chalmette

Mom-To-Be said...

Every single day I worry and I have so far to go yet. I worry about my own selfishness. I worry about being a good mom. I worry every single day. I think it's normal but as we both know that doesn't help ease the mind. Hang in there. You'll be an excellent mom.

apt said...

YOU CAN DO THIS.
Because, well... you have to.
Good news is, Em, I am certain you can do this well.
Despite having been here once before already, yesterday brought a breakdown for me. I should have read this yesterday because it would have been nice to have a "script."
And when he arrives, he'll be - all at once - the best test and the best bolsterer of your confidence.
If only you weren't so efficient in the first 2 trimesters... you could be consumed by diaper and other goods gathering and not this real and important stuff.

The Loucks Family said...

You can do it Em. We all figure it out as we go. God never gives you more than you can handle!