Saturday, December 27, 2008

Whirlwind

Daycare, returning to work, Christmas, Charlie's first cold....this has been us for the past week.

I went back to work this past Monday. And off Charlie went to daycare. I had a bit of a breakdown on Sunday night last week. It just didn't seem natural for a Mom to be away from her very young little boy. On Monday, I woke up, got ready and we waltzed out the door. I wasn't emotional then. I was ready to return to work. I gave some minuscule instructions to the daycare teacher and I went on my way. It was snowing HARD last Monday. I drove to work in the dark,with the snow coming down hard, thinking about my Charlie, in the swing, wondering where I had run off too. I blared the radio (for the first time in months!) and sang the entire way to work. Thank goodness for Oasis and Champagne Supernovas.

We got home on Monday night, and we were beat. Charlie had slept very little at daycare and he had eaten a TON. Far more than these breasts could produce. He was up most of Monday night; on and off, eating and sleeping. I was nervous about Tuesday. Frightened. Even a little bit terrified. But, off we went. I gave a little bit more direction this time when explaining his routine. And I drove off, radio blaring. I left work early on Tuesday, but I had things to do. And this is when the Mommy Guilt set in. I had errands to run, and I had paid for the day at daycare. But, I wanted to see him. BUT, I had things to do. I ran my errands...trying not to think about him. When I picked him up at 5pm and looked at his sheet, I noticed he had slept ONE hour the entire day. "OYE VEY!" I thought to myself. ONE HOUR?? We got home, and he immediately went to bed. He slept and slept and slept. And on Christmas Eve he was his normal happy self again.

Returning to work is hard. Even when you do it gradually like I have attempted to do. It just doesn't feel natural. It's not "right," as I told Curtis. But, we do what we need to do to provide for our families. I know I need to give it some time, but it's so hard to not feel like I want to quit my job, or at least go part time, and hire a nanny. Something that might salvage the hard work we have put in establishing a routine. Something that might salvage his tiny immune system (yes, he has a cold too!). An environment where he gets unlimited one on one time. These are hard things that us new Moms (and Dads!) have to endure in the year 2008 (almost 2009!). As much as I thought I would be able to just do this whole daycare thing, I am doubting it more and more. I love my job...I have a passion for what I do. But, when you have a child, it's amazing how that child trumps the other things that you love. I feel torn and especially discouraged about going back to work. I know I need to give it some time, but it's hard to not feel like this just isn't the right thing to be doing with our son....

I am ready for this whirlwind to stop.

5 comments:

Jamie said...

I know how you feel! I could have written this post a fewmonths ago. Things will work themselves out! Be strong.

The Loucks Family said...

Aw Emily, EVERY single working mom has felt the way you do. Luckily, some of us are able to work out schedules that make us feel a LITTLE bit better about it....maybe you and Curtis could really sit down, pray about the situation and go over your finances and find a way for you to work part-time? Maybe that will help? I know there has to be a way you can do it!

I am praying for you guys, especially you, because I know how hard it was for me to go back part-time and my mom watches E! I can't imagine what you're going through. But it will all work itself out and will all be okay.

I hope little Charlie is feeling better!!

Elizabeth said...

Em, it will get better. Once you get comfortable with the people taking care of Charlie (this means that you have to be very specific with what you want them to do..if that means making ah hour by hour chart then that is what you must do); Anyway, it won't feel normal for a while..it takes time. Also, if you would like, I would be happy to take Charlie for a while until you feel comfortable to have him in daycare. He would get lots of loving! All I can say is that I know your heart ache. I know it so well...So, let me help in any way I can. Also remember that babies are so very resilient..it is us parents that aren't so much so!

Love you

Christina said...

Don't worry. You'll get used to it. I tell everyone that it may not be apparent when he is so young, but he is going to make some great friends there and you will be so thankful to see how well he is doing. And the thing about running errands rather than spending time with your child - it NEVER goes away for me! Still! I am so far behind on some things and having the kids go to daycare on Friday would be ideal but I'm just feeling too guilty to do it! Uggh! Hang in there. This is totally normal and it will make you even stronger!!

Steph said...

Oh Em! I can't even begin to imagine how hard going back to work was for you.